Oscars 2012: When good girls go bad …

Tue, 28 February 2012 11:34AM

That red carpet is a minefield. Every year there are casualties Primpettes, and I’m here to take names…

Sandra Bullock

Now I’m not usually a naysayer, but the first ‘nay’ I say goes to Sandra B. Look, kudos to Sandy for even washing her hair at some point over the past two years since she sprung her ex-husband shagging most of Los Angeles County, but I do think she should have taken any post-relationship frustration out on a counselor. Not her scalp. This pony looks more pained than pretty. It’s simply too severe and hard for Sandra and pulls unnecessary focus on her strong chin and nose which can be better celebrated with a softer hairstyle and makeup textures.

The good bits about this crackerjack hairdo is that it lifts the eyes and eliminates wrinkles faster than you can say “eye scream, you scream, we all scream for eye cream”, but the rest of her pallor is pasty and for what is traditionally a very youthful hairdo, the complexion is just too matte and ageing.

If you want to work carefree hair, team it with the same type of complexion or else you come up looking a little more Miss Step than Miss Congeniality.

Penelope Cruz

A wise Spaniard once said, “Muchos cocineros estropean el caldo”. Which translates to “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” And Penelope, your cosmetic kitchen is full to overflowing!

There is too much going on. Overboard. Overkill. Just because you are a mother now doesn’t mean you have to shelve your sexiness, chastise your chutzpah and stop shaking your moneymaker.

Don’t get me wrong, I applaud you with Grace Kelly-esque gloved mitts for trying something different but in doing so, you have turned the lights down on your irresistible Spanish fire. How? The hair is too stiff and the neckline simply too chaste. You have just done too much, and for someone who has to do so little to look simply amazeballs, well, that’s a whole lotta wasted labour right there!

Had you loosened the hair a little, glossed up the lips and chosen a sexier neckline, yes, I may be banging on about you looking boring, but it would be the most dazzling display of boring the world has ever seen!

Cameron Diaz

Cam, C’mon. You know how much we love you. You’re the kind of girl we actually could see ourselves being besties with. So we don’t feel out-of-line in giving you a little between-us beauty advice. And that is: Your usually-flaxen hair looks old, dry and dull; and your skin seems to be too overly scrubbed and primed, and the effect is a little raw. As for the makeup, metallic smoky eyes are berry-stained lips are good in theory … but here, on the Oscars red carpet, we just can’t help but think you’re missing your usual star-mega-wattage.

Maybe you could have considered loosely putting your hair up and softening it around your face? Or pulling back on the dewy skin and adopting a touch of old-school matte complexion and creamy rich lip. Just saying…

Jennifer Lopez

Did anyone else expect the wide screen shot of J-Lo to reveal Ben Affleck hanging off her very well manicured arm? Am I the only online bystander who thinks this look is far more ’02 than 2012? More power to you for channelling a vintage look, but the definition of vintage really should go back further than one husband and three boyfriends ago.

Love don’t cost a thing Jen, but neither does a blow out. The donut-bun can be a great look, don’t get me wrong, but you’ve done it so many times Wikipedia can’t even decipher one decade from another! The upside? You found a good thing and you’re sticking to it. (Hair dos not husbands. Yet.)

Natalie Portman

That’s it. I’m calling PETA to report a wild, untamed natural wonder being held against its will. Natalie, I am talking about your hair. It’s a thing of true beauty that should be set free, yet it is being forcefully detained by what seems to be the entire product quota of Beverly Hills salons!

We have celebrated the 2012 Oscars side part, but yours, I’m sorry to say, has fallen short. Literally. It’s neither a low part nor is it a full part. It fails on both, um, parts. The hair close to your scalp is stiff whilst that tucked below the ears is flyaway and trying valiantly to break free! Oh, I do hope this is not your beauty swan song? 

Angelina Jolie

I know. I know. Having 23 kids, flying your own planes, writing, directing, starring in and spruiking movies whilst gallantly globetrotting to the third world and trying to keep your hands off your husband would leave little time to come up with something new in the beauty stakes.

But Ange! Why should the industry’s night of night – which celebrates new heights in cinema and innovation in acting – be subjected to so many of your repeat performances? Red lips? Check. Smoky eyes? Yep. Big bouncy bombshell blowout? That too. Oh and of course, there’s the black strapless, high-thigh-split dress… Just because you’re a multi-tasker in life, doesn’t mean you have to be one in the beauty stakes.

It would have been so very refreshing to see Ange with a new hair do, don’t you think? Something a little more modern. Maybe a lighter eye and a glossier lip? Come to think of it, a little less leg would have been enough!

Anna Faris

You are a young, new talent. You are being applauded for your spontaneous screen presence and quirky, cute charm. Is that so bad? I am sure Meryl or Glenn would kill to have any of those adjectives tacked to their name. Do you think you could have saved the hard hair, predictable makeup and too-mature outfit for the 2022 Oscars?

There is no denying the bob can be a truly cutting-edge haircut, but to do it well is to give it life through a little more length (à la Rose Byrne). Or, wear it a little better with a softer dress and more innovative makeup. There are enough actresses trying to look younger, so anyone under the age of 30 should be playing up their natural joie de vivre!

 

There you have it. I’m done. I may be going to hell in a handbag for all them fighting words, but it will be a fabulous one. Jammed with great makeup that suits me.

Ecb x

Posted by: ecb

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Tags: angelina jolie, anna faris, blonde hair, bob, bun, donut, high bun, high ponytail, jennifer lopez, matte, natalie portman, Oscars 2012, penelope cruz, red carpet beauty looks, red carpet hair, red carpet makeup, red lips, sandra bullock, side part, smoky eye, wrinkles