Five things blogs like mine don’t mention (but should) during awards season.

Wed, 2 February 2011 1:31PM

As we all know, it’s caramel topping season.

It’s also awards season, which means blogs like us show people like you how famous people are doing their hair and makeup to the big ceremonies, and then, if you’re lucky and we haven’t started drinking whisky yet, how to do it, too.

But it’s not all glamorous red lipstick and scorching hot curling tongs. There are some arduous, less glamorous elements you don’t hear about in awards season, and I felt it was time you did. And then I felt you read about them too, which is why I wrote them here.

1.     The good skin doesn’t begin on the day.
I know! I thought they just popped their Olay on and leaped into their limo, too. But no: It begins weeks out. I’m talking about peels and microdermabrasion to generate new, glowing skin, and weekly facials to hydrate and plump up that skin and bi-weekly oxygen or LED treatments (such as Omnilux) to keep it a rude shade of health.  As well as Botox and fillers (definitely at least a fortnight out so it can relax into the skin) there’s a good chance some have gone in for some IPL or a laser like Fraxel a month out, to get rid of dark spots and pigmentation, so their skin beams with brightness and even tone in all those pics. They would also be using a shittonne of sunscreen, obviously, because if you’re going to take layers of skin off so that new ones come through, those new skin cells need intense protection from UV rays.

2. The hair colour and cut is expertly timed.
Those who have blonde hair know that there is a grace period after you get your highlights done, where your hair looks kind of white-grey, or brassy-yellow and, kind of… weird. Too fresh. Too perfect near the roots, and unnatural. It’s not great – you need it to settle down; it takes a few washes and sometimes some clever toner prodz to make the colour a little more natural. (Like this Joico toner shampoo.) Ditto dark hair, which can look too red. And as for haircuts? They definitely require a settling in period; otherwise they can look too perfect (layer wise) or too healthy and curly (true story – I hate my maxihealthy hair for a couple of weeks after a cut.) Just look to Miss SANDRA BULLOCK’s fringe for proof of this: too thick, too new, too chunky. I can’t help thinking if she’d let it hang out on her head for a little while before doing the Golden Globes, it wouldn’t have looked so wig-like. Oh come on, it was so wiggy! Stop standing up for her all the time. SANDRA protecting is so predictable.

3. They don’t get to eat for weeks.
When was the last time you saw an arm that looked like it enjoyed lifting a fork full of linguine to its’ owner’s mouth at an awards ceremony? That’s right, nineteen ninety never. These poor women go on ridiculous diets in order to look great in their frocks on The Big Day. (And if they’re not doing it to lose weight, they’re doing it to not be bloated. Rarely does Oscar de la Renta design a dress with a wheat-bloat tummy in mind. As a fellow bloater, I understand their plight, which is why I usually wear my painting smock to red carpet events.)  Can you even imagine how cranky all of those women are by the time they set heel on the red rug? I get gnarly after three hours without food; trying to exist on green tea and almonds and warm lemon water for three weeks would send me utterly nuclear. (That I am writing this as I eat second day spaghetti and loving it so much I want to photograph and frame it, is inconsequential.)

4. They have to worry about samesies.
Less so for women like LADY GAGA and HELENA BONHAM-CARTER, but nevertheless, there would be a great deal of stress surrounding the fear of wearing a dress or look that looked like someone else’s, or going “all out” with a magenta lipstick to discover half of Hollywood took the same wild gamble that night. In a perfect world, there would be a Mega Stylist Robot (with long blonde hair and a penchant for contagious catch phrases) who would compute exactly which look everyone should be wearing for dress, hair and makeup for each awards (according to their skin tone, hair and eye colour and style) and who would send smaller, mini robots out a few days before with the dress/shoes/accessories and the face and hair charts.  I imagine this exact scenario will be implemented by 2050. (Probably by Apple.)

5. Their clutch bags fit one bobby pin and no more.
If that.  Have you seen them? They’re preposterous! Thankfully they have assistants and minions around them to carry their makeup and phones and crossword puzzles. Because let me tell you, no-one who wants to stay looking beautiful all night is getting any help from a micro-clutch. They’re purely for show. And should a famous woman be able to fit a lip gloss (Chantecaille lip gloss in ‘love’) in her clutch (on a diagonal, so the clasp does up) and – GASP – apply it herself, the whole world will go into shock and be forced to feature it on the front of their magazines.

Is there anything else you think I’ve forgotten?

Aside of this photo of Teapotland, which is the “main attraction” in Owaka, the town I am currently in, obviously.

Posted by: Zoe Foster

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Tags: angelina jolie, fringe, glowing skin, golden globes, pink lipstick, red carpet hair, sag awards, sandra bullock