Launch Editor ZOE FOSTER
Top 10: Reasons Why Sunbaking Sucks
Fri, 6 February 2009 9:26AM
It’s odd that in 2009 we still have to write lists such as these, but one look at Bondi beach on a sunny day reminds me that wow, a lot of people still, just, don’t, get, it. So here we go, the Top 10 reasons laying and baking your body under the single most powerful planet in the universe might not be such a hot idea.
1. You can get skin cancer and die. And when you’re dead, no one gives a shit how tan you are. (Just ask Al Bino.)
2. The skin on your chest and arms and will begin to take on the appearance of a vintage handbag, which will make all of that Botox and all of those peels kind of useless, won’t it?
3. A tan is evidence of your skin cells in trauma. It is also a scar. The days of tans being a status symbol, and people assuming you’re rich and have just been on a holiday and because you’re so rich it was probably to Capri, are over. Anyone can pop over to Bali for a couple of hundred bucks these days.
4. Elle MacPherson. Donatella Versace. Pamela Anderson. Kate Moss. These women may scrub up ok in photos, but in Real Life? Not so pretty. Ravaged by the sun and her powerful invisible aging squadron. Weathered. Dry. Eighty kms from luminous.
5. Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz and Cate Blanchett. These women not only scrub up beautifully in photos, and on film, their skin belies their age even in the harshest of fluorescent lighting. They knew that wearing hats, sunscreen and covering up was going to ensure they looked 30 at 40, and 40 at 50 and 50 at 60 and probably you’ve figured out the pattern by now.
6. Self and spray tanning has come so very, very, very far. There is, no matter how pale your skin is, no reason why you can not get a delicate sunkissed glow (or go Bahama Barbie and drop 10kgs instantly – whatever blows your hair back) from a bottle, tube, spray, gun or can of mousse.
7. Freckles, moles, pigmentation and sunspots. Even half an hour of incidental exposure (Incidental: When you don’t account for sun exposure, usually this is less than 10 minutes. Deliberate: When you know you’ll be outdoors and you account for it with sunscreen etc. Make Believe: When you sit in your pretend pirate ship and pretend you are in the sun) can bring on new frecks. And frecks don’t go away. And pigmentation is a real bitch to remove. And moles are neon signs asking for skin cancer.
8. You’re accelerating your aging process (light up a fag and inhale some pollution while you’re down on the sand and you’ve nailed the trifecta) but not just with wrinkles and fine lines on your face: actually your hands cop it the most. My granny used to say you can always tell a ladies real age by her hands.
9. Halter neck tan lines that last until May. Nothing classier than a fine dress being visually retarded by two fat white lines. What possesses women (especially of the famous variety) to wear strapless dresses when they have walloping great tan lines, I don’t know. (Probably the devil.)
10. When you lay in the sun for multiple hours at a time, you are treating your body like a piece of meat being prepared for Sunday dinner – basting it in oil and then laying in direct heat and turning occasionally. You are, quite literally cooking yourself. I don’t mean to offend you, but: you are a moron.
Posted by: Zoe Foster